I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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