I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Mom said you looked used
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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