I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
