Nicole vs. Life
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
