It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize