Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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