Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
