Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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