oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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