K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
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I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
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He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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