Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
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'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
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She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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