I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
