Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
