When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Randomize
