if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize