I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
