I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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