Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
