I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
