your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
