I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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