I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
