I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
