He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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