I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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