My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize