does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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