The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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