When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
