Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
