Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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