My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
