I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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