If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
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yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
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I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
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