The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
