Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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