i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
