My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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