Redeem this text for a blowjob
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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