He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
