the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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