Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
