I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
