I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
