the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
