so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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