yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize