At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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