we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
