I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
