im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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