just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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