chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize